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my heart is officially in Las Vegas. forever. and i need to follow it. and i wont give up until i do.
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This Could Be Love...
Lonely written words for company...
07 January 2008 @ 12:00 am
http://www.apple.com/trailers/independen
AHAHAHAHA ITS A MOVIE ABOUT THE POON OF DEATH!!!
lol wtf.
omg i cant wait to see it.
for reals...
AHAHAHAHA ITS A MOVIE ABOUT THE POON OF DEATH!!!
lol wtf.
omg i cant wait to see it.
for reals...
25 July 2007 @ 01:59 pm
i hate this...
i hate me....
i hate the things i say...
all i want is to just be with you....
happy like we used to be....
i dont wanna be alone....
but you pushing me away is pushing me closer to her... which isnt what i need or want at all....
i want you to hold me like you mean it. i want you to kiss me without dead lips. i wanna feel you squeeze me tight... i wanna be yours and i want you to be mine. Like you wanted. but now suddenly dont. but now you suddenly dont know whats going to happen. you dont know what you feel. you dont know why it was weird to touch me. you dont know whats going to happen at school... you dont know anything.... and im left to hang here wondering... tearing myself apart every day because i think its me. Because i think theres something wrong with me that makes everyone run. because everyone decides they finally want me when its too late. That my life is just a giant bad timing mishap. that they all tell me how amazing i am and how they love me after they drop me and kill me.... is there a point in all of this?.... is there a lesson im suppose to learn?.... if there is... im only taking it as "dig yourself a cave and live in it.... " cause.... thats what im about to do... no matter what i do or where i go... im always reminded of everyone i wanna forget... its like you're inescapable... that my heart doesnt wanna let go. That its a never ending attachment to everything bad. maybe i should just be like Derek. and not care. about anything really. to have no emotions. atleast id never be sad. which seems to be the only emotion i can feel anymore.
other than my odd feelings last night of wanting to feel nothing but pure pain. from someone i cared about. i wanted to feel it hurt. and i wanted them to stare me in the eyes while i felt it. i wanted that intense pure moment. i wanted to feel controlled. overpowered and overwhelmed. and unable to block out what was happening. I wanted to cry... but tell them that i wanted more. It didnt leave my head all night. I wanted to feel anything that was real. Something that i knew wasnt fake..... i wanna be feel something. anything to make me feel alive. becuase im sick of feeling dead. and empty and alone.
and those words that you said to me keep eating me alive. they're not even important. they're not even that bad. and they shouldnt bother me at all.... but all i keep thinking is "fuck ya then..." and the only time i ever wanted to scream fuck you to you.... was when you wouldnt leave her out of it. when you kept digging and digging at her like she was some big forcefield in your way. and i felt nothing but pure anger. because im sick of her being an issue all the time. in the way of me being happy. when oddly... shes one thing that makes me incredibly happy.... funny how that works... someone who makes me happy is always in the way... of me being happy. so what do u do in this sort of situation?... push her away?... no... you cant.... becuase shes the only one what can fill me with complete comfort. you cant get rid of that person. its like they're a ghost... haunting me all the time... plaguing my mind... even when im with her i think of them.... which isnt what i want. but it happens. so it must mean that its what i want. or atleast they are what i want. but another part of me says no. because it knows i cant have it. im not allowed to have it. its "illegal"... and its wrong. and its completely pointless. it doesnt matter. she. doesnt matter. and what we both feel. doesnt matter... i... dont matter. i never did and i never will.... thats something i need to get used to. no one would really feel like they were missing something if i was gone. they'd find something to replace it. it wouldnt matter if i was there or not. Just like you acted like it didnt. you didnt give a shit if i was there or not. and it killed. but its true. it didnt matter. becuase i make no difference. to anyone. and i never will. i... am pointless.... anything i feel... do... think... is pointless. it never gets me anywhere... it never gets you anywhere.... it brings us nowhere but down. As you're destroying me... im destroying you... and if im not... then i really never mattered to you.
all i know.... is that this kills....
and all i know... is that im dying... slowly... like its torture...
that things just keep pulling and pulling at me... making me feel more empty every time...
until im just going to be left with nothing...
and ill truly be alone....
ill truly be pointless....
and ill truly be desposed of....
and then maybe you'll see....
maybe you'll all finally see....
maybe you'll finally understand what my head is thinking.... what my heart feels.... what im really trying to say... what my point is in all of this.... and you all might sit there and say you understand... but you really dont... and you never really will unless you're me.... no one can ever truly understand someone until they are them. which is impossible. so dont say you do. dont try and help. because i never once in this entire rant... asked for help... i dont want help... i dont need it... and theres ntohing you can do anyways. you wanna help?... just be there. and jsut keep reading. thats all you can do. dont tell me to see a psychiatrist. dont tell me you know a doctor. dont tell me you wanna help. becuase you'll get nothing out of me. if i want you're help... ill tell you how to give it... i might not say "this is how you can help me..." but if you're really listening... you'll figure it out... if you really care... if you know me.... then you'll know how to help. So just keep doing what you're doing. pretend you never read this. go on with your life. i dont want your sympathy and i dont want your pity. so forget you ever read this. you read it. it went into your head. now never bring it up. just let it sit there. just know you'll always know this. thats all you need to know.
you all know how i have been.... and you all know who i can be....
it came out for a couple hours last night... because 2 friends knew how to help without even asking...
and its what i need. right now... i hate who i am..... i hate who ive become... i hate my thoughts. i hate my feelings. i just want it all erased. i need to get out of this.... and something needs to come along to pull me out... because i jusut keep sinking more and more.... pretty soon im gonna drown.... with a do not resesitate sign stamped on my fucking forhead.
i hate me....
i hate the things i say...
all i want is to just be with you....
happy like we used to be....
i dont wanna be alone....
but you pushing me away is pushing me closer to her... which isnt what i need or want at all....
i want you to hold me like you mean it. i want you to kiss me without dead lips. i wanna feel you squeeze me tight... i wanna be yours and i want you to be mine. Like you wanted. but now suddenly dont. but now you suddenly dont know whats going to happen. you dont know what you feel. you dont know why it was weird to touch me. you dont know whats going to happen at school... you dont know anything.... and im left to hang here wondering... tearing myself apart every day because i think its me. Because i think theres something wrong with me that makes everyone run. because everyone decides they finally want me when its too late. That my life is just a giant bad timing mishap. that they all tell me how amazing i am and how they love me after they drop me and kill me.... is there a point in all of this?.... is there a lesson im suppose to learn?.... if there is... im only taking it as "dig yourself a cave and live in it.... " cause.... thats what im about to do... no matter what i do or where i go... im always reminded of everyone i wanna forget... its like you're inescapable... that my heart doesnt wanna let go. That its a never ending attachment to everything bad. maybe i should just be like Derek. and not care. about anything really. to have no emotions. atleast id never be sad. which seems to be the only emotion i can feel anymore.
other than my odd feelings last night of wanting to feel nothing but pure pain. from someone i cared about. i wanted to feel it hurt. and i wanted them to stare me in the eyes while i felt it. i wanted that intense pure moment. i wanted to feel controlled. overpowered and overwhelmed. and unable to block out what was happening. I wanted to cry... but tell them that i wanted more. It didnt leave my head all night. I wanted to feel anything that was real. Something that i knew wasnt fake..... i wanna be feel something. anything to make me feel alive. becuase im sick of feeling dead. and empty and alone.
and those words that you said to me keep eating me alive. they're not even important. they're not even that bad. and they shouldnt bother me at all.... but all i keep thinking is "fuck ya then..." and the only time i ever wanted to scream fuck you to you.... was when you wouldnt leave her out of it. when you kept digging and digging at her like she was some big forcefield in your way. and i felt nothing but pure anger. because im sick of her being an issue all the time. in the way of me being happy. when oddly... shes one thing that makes me incredibly happy.... funny how that works... someone who makes me happy is always in the way... of me being happy. so what do u do in this sort of situation?... push her away?... no... you cant.... becuase shes the only one what can fill me with complete comfort. you cant get rid of that person. its like they're a ghost... haunting me all the time... plaguing my mind... even when im with her i think of them.... which isnt what i want. but it happens. so it must mean that its what i want. or atleast they are what i want. but another part of me says no. because it knows i cant have it. im not allowed to have it. its "illegal"... and its wrong. and its completely pointless. it doesnt matter. she. doesnt matter. and what we both feel. doesnt matter... i... dont matter. i never did and i never will.... thats something i need to get used to. no one would really feel like they were missing something if i was gone. they'd find something to replace it. it wouldnt matter if i was there or not. Just like you acted like it didnt. you didnt give a shit if i was there or not. and it killed. but its true. it didnt matter. becuase i make no difference. to anyone. and i never will. i... am pointless.... anything i feel... do... think... is pointless. it never gets me anywhere... it never gets you anywhere.... it brings us nowhere but down. As you're destroying me... im destroying you... and if im not... then i really never mattered to you.
all i know.... is that this kills....
and all i know... is that im dying... slowly... like its torture...
that things just keep pulling and pulling at me... making me feel more empty every time...
until im just going to be left with nothing...
and ill truly be alone....
ill truly be pointless....
and ill truly be desposed of....
and then maybe you'll see....
maybe you'll all finally see....
maybe you'll finally understand what my head is thinking.... what my heart feels.... what im really trying to say... what my point is in all of this.... and you all might sit there and say you understand... but you really dont... and you never really will unless you're me.... no one can ever truly understand someone until they are them. which is impossible. so dont say you do. dont try and help. because i never once in this entire rant... asked for help... i dont want help... i dont need it... and theres ntohing you can do anyways. you wanna help?... just be there. and jsut keep reading. thats all you can do. dont tell me to see a psychiatrist. dont tell me you know a doctor. dont tell me you wanna help. becuase you'll get nothing out of me. if i want you're help... ill tell you how to give it... i might not say "this is how you can help me..." but if you're really listening... you'll figure it out... if you really care... if you know me.... then you'll know how to help. So just keep doing what you're doing. pretend you never read this. go on with your life. i dont want your sympathy and i dont want your pity. so forget you ever read this. you read it. it went into your head. now never bring it up. just let it sit there. just know you'll always know this. thats all you need to know.
you all know how i have been.... and you all know who i can be....
it came out for a couple hours last night... because 2 friends knew how to help without even asking...
and its what i need. right now... i hate who i am..... i hate who ive become... i hate my thoughts. i hate my feelings. i just want it all erased. i need to get out of this.... and something needs to come along to pull me out... because i jusut keep sinking more and more.... pretty soon im gonna drown.... with a do not resesitate sign stamped on my fucking forhead.
16 October 2006 @ 04:40 pm
i'll miss all of this....
<33333
RIP Chris's house....
